karnythia

I hurt myself today. I was on Twitter talking about rape culture & this triggering victim blaming post at VSB. And it triggered the hell out of me so I'm just going to say up front that this is coming from that place. See, I said the things I needed to say, but now I have to say something else & it is too long for twitter. And although I am directing this specifically to black men, overall this is something I feel needs to be said to everyone. Black women (like me) are more likely to be victims of domestic violence and sexual assault than almost any other group (the numbers are also incredibly high for NDN women), and we are out here on the front lines every day. Black men expect us to have their backs in battles with institutionalized racism. And mostly we do. But, we're not seeing a whole lot of return on that investment when it comes to institutionalized racialized misogyny. And that fucking hurts.

Yes, on an individual level some of you are right there in the trenches with us. But some of you? Man look, I know life is hard for everyone of color on some level, but we shouldn't have to worry about being safe from men in our communities as well as men outside our communities. And yes, men are victimized too. I know that, but I'm a woman and I'm going to speak from my experience in this post. Because here's the thing, it's easy to say that women should know better, do better at staying away from bad guys. But, it's not like they're wearing a sign around their necks. And often those guys have friends who are decent dudes. So we assume that they are decent too until they show us something different.

Sometimes they show us early enough & lightly enough that we get out of the situation basically unscathed. But sometimes? Sometimes your boy that you know ain't shit that's been dogging some broad out? Yeah, he proceeds to fuck that broad up the first time she catches wind of a problem. And instead of jumping bad at him, too many of you start blaming her. That's a terrible thing to do. And you know it. Because your boy has already told enough jokes, or said enough off shit that you wouldn't let him near your sister, your baby cousin, or your best friend. So, why is he still your boy?

Real talk, I have some female friends that are messy who don't do half the shit I see some dudes out here doing, and I keep them away from my guy friends. Because they're messy & I don't want anyone I care about to get hurt. If I could I'd warn off some other folks too. But my friends aren't rapists or abusers. People like that don't get to stay in my life. Some of you are friends with dudes who are both. Hell, some of you reading this (whether you admit it to yourself or not) are guilty of those behaviors. And while I'm all for redemption or whatever, I really need to know how much shit has to happen to black women at the hands of black men, before y'all start checking each other? What does it take for men of color to really collectively dig into confronting their privilege & misogyny? We know some of you hate us, now we want to know what those of you who don't hate us are going to do about it?

Current Mood: awake

First, state your credentials. It’s okay to be a woman, but not a black woman. Their lived experiences are immaterial and can be dismissed as merely anecdotal. Make it clear that you are not racist or sexist, you are merely concerned about their plight. What plight? Well, pick one. Or several. Marriage, children, lack of the above, too much education, not enough education, welfare, whatever you think will sell. It only matters that you highlight their troublesome natures. Whatever it is, you must be sure to make it clear that they aren’t like other women. They are failing to perform in some way that affects the whole of society, even if you can’t quite explain how or why their personal lives are public property. Further, rely heavily on the idea of research that shows the problem is a problem. Never mention exactly when that research was done, or who were the subjects of it. Too much context may unnecessarily complicate the conversation.

Utilize stereotypes whenever possible, preferably ones that tie into the Mammy, Jezebel, or Sapphire tropes. Describe black women in ways that play up their sexuality and remove their humanity. After all they are Other, so their skin is a food stuff, the space between their thighs is mysterious, and they have never ever been innocent. No need to mention virginity or purity, even when speaking of black female infants, your focus must be on their sexuality. If you are speaking of black mothers make it clear that they need guidance, financial support, or salvation. What salvation? Well that all depends on whether they work too little and thus are on welfare, or work too much and thus are neglecting their children. There is no point at which they can balance work and family, because again they are Other and that is not possible for them. They are emasculating and thus unworthy of relationships, or the key to being masculine with their all knowing sexuality that is present from birth. Unrapeable, they can be trusted to raise any children but their own, and are sexually available until they become sexless.

They exist to be support systems, whether for men of all colors or women of every color but black. No need to mention their needs, hopes, dreams, or concerns. They have none, even if they do occasionally speak of themselves as real people with feelings. Their voices are too loud, too uneducated, or simply too aggressive. They are always angry about something, but their feelings aren’t real so they don’t matter. Be sure to specify how reasonable you are in the face of their unreasonable behavior. Write of how you studied them at a safe distance, while proclaiming that some of your closest friends are black women. No need to know anything about those close friends, but their names since all that matters is that you have them as proof that you know your subject, and are not racist or sexist.

Contrast them with women of other races, always making sure to highlight that other women are real women, while black women are simply black. Feel free to make blanket statements about their religious beliefs, educational levels, income levels, and family dynamics. All of it is true because you say it is, and you are the expert in black women, not any actual black women. If they are offended by your words, remind them of your credentials and refuse to engage in a conversation with them until they can be less emotional. Point to their tone as a reason to doubt the veracity of their experiences. After all they are only black women and thus they know nothing, own nothing, and are worth nothing but what you say they are.

Current Mood: awake

I have been won over to the dark side & thus we are spending Xmas day shooting at each other with Nerf guns. Thus far kid #2 is winning which would worry me, but I already knew he was a little trickster. Merry Xmas to all of you who celebrate it.

Current Mood: cheerful

Got to DC yesterday. Had grand plans to see all the things. New gig has me busy as Hell, so fun time will be limited until Thursday. Have not lost desire to see people, but I spent 8 hours today trying to absorb my body weight in information. May need more brains.

Current Mood: busy

Ahem, there are Muppet hats. MUPPET HATS! Knitters who need some extra cash & can create such things should get at me so I can give you money & you can give me hats.

This is a Facebook message I just found hidden in my inbox (sometimes Facebook’s habit of hiding messages works out in a person's favor), from someone named Cameron Baird. I know people usually blot out the names of people who say ignorant things on Facebook. But, so much of my life went on display after Salon picked up my post about my medical abortion that I don’t feel like letting people like this hide from their words. For those using screen readers the image is a racist comment about me & my appearance and my history of medical care that reads:

[Cameron Baird

You the lying nigger bitch that wanted a free abortion? What I can’t figure out is how your ugly ass got pregnant!!!! Your old man blind? Fuck you you lying cunt. How many babies have you left on the floor so far?]

This isn’t the only message like this one I’ve gotten, & for a long time I wasn’t going to post any of them. But time & distance seem to have thickened my skin up a little bit. This is what happens when you are a black woman who blogs about her life & people don’t like what you have to say.

Current Mood: awake

The school the kids (5 & 12) are at now sucks. We know it & we're planning to switch schools over the winter break. But this last few weeks there have been a bunch of problems in kid #1's class. Now, I freely admit he's deep into bored smart kid shenanigans like building weapons out of school supplies. He hasn't used them on anyone, but he did get a detention for making them. We felt that was totally fair & told him to keep them at home. But there are other problems with his teacher that have persisted for weeks now. She's incredibly disorganized (or so she says) and we've had some issues with his grades being low because she didn't grade his work, or didn't record the grades that she wrote on his paper. It gets fixed (he's a packrat, so we can show it to her), but it has me deep in the valley of side eye because it keeps happening.

She's quick to tell us how bad she thinks the whole class is, and how out of control they are with their attitudes or whatever. But she seems to have decided that kid #1 is an extra special problem child. The latest thing is that someone called her a bitch while she was yelling at the class, and when she demanded to know who said it, someone pointed at kid #1. He said he didn't say it & she didn't write him up for it. However, she did threaten to take him in the bathroom & show him what a bitch she can really be which...y'all. Y'all. Mind you, we didn't hear about this from kid #1 first. The teacher told us what happened & was quite proud of herself for saying it. Now, she did not touch him, but I am uncomfortable about many parts of this situation & trying to figure out what to do. He's only got a few days left of school, & so I'm not worried about retaliation if we report it. But, I'm trying to figure out if reporting it will do any good given her complete lack of concern about telling us what she said to him. What would you do?

Current Mood: cranky

I’m crying about the Muppets. I know it’s just a movie. But I love the Muppets. Always have & I was so excited for a new movie. Especially because the reviews were good & it was supposed to be a return to the classic style of the movies. And now I’m sad and the fun of it…it’s all ruined. That’s the thing no one thinks about when they position POC as the eternal villains. We’re not supposed to have feelings or be nostalgic or be children at heart. This shit hurts. I don’t know if people understand just how much it hurts to never be able to escape racism. To not be able to leave it behind for 2 minutes, much less 2 hours. You can’t tell me race isn’t real, that racism is over, and it’s all post racial now, as long you’re okay with demonizing my culture for your amusement.

Current Mood: sad

New gig will have me in DC from Dec 18th-23rd for training. I'll be busy during the day, but I should have some free time in the evenings if any of you are local. This job is a super serious grown up job y'all. I may need to take a few dozen deep breaths to deal with the imposter syndrome. Just so you know.

Current Mood: indescribable

I got a new better paying job *dances* and it is in a different agency so there's no more asshole coworkers. Only downside is I'll have to consistently dress like a grown up & I'm going to be the new employee who is also a supervisor which might be awkward. Any tips, tricks, or links to new cool clothes are most welcome.

Current Mood: awake

Thinking about parenting while black, & the coded language people use about black POC has me in my feelings a little bit today. There’s the shock/awe some folks express when they find out that I have two kids by two different fathers & I was married to both of them. The amazement at the way my kids eat (kid #1 is allergic to soy so we cook from scratch a lot, and we eat a lot of veggies & fruit because I believe in serving them the stuff that tastes good), and the 98767687568 compliments my husband gets for being a dad as though that’s not something black men do.

Not to mention how often the same hippie mothers who compliment me on my kids behavior will try to correct my “harshness” with my sons. All while lamenting the fact that their kids are hellions who don’t listen to them. I once broke one of their brains when I explained that my ex husband the deadbeat absentee dad is a white guy. Apparently it had never occurred to her (despite her 14554653 fights with her ex about money & visitation) that black single mothers could have the same relationship history as white single mothers. We live in the same mixed race mixed income neighborhood, have the same level of education, & our kids are in the same school.

I’ve had conversations with people who complain about the ESL kids being taught math, reading, science etc. in their native languages in a separate classroom. Why is that a problem? Well, that means their kids aren’t getting free access to conversational Spanish, Arabic, Urdu, Korean, etc. Never mind the fact that this approach helps the ESL kids stay on track academically, their education isn’t as important as Johnny & Suzie’s enrichment. Which tells you a lot about why they’re interested in diversity. Hell, I even had a “This school has too many black people & not enough white people” conversation one day with someone.

And these are things said by people who claim to not be racist. We’re not talking people who hate black folks. We’re talking people who will expound at length on their commitment to diversity & their desire to see equality. And yes, I know someone will say I’m being oversensitive, but when you’re on your 5th “You were married?!” there’s only so many ways to take that tone of voice & that look on someone’s face. When you have to go to the wall with the daycare director over her deciding that you don’t know shit about your child’s food allergies despite managing them with his pediatrician his whole life, but she knows best because she talked to a friend of a friend about your child’s health what else could it be?

Current Mood: busy

One of the things I think progressives who ignore history don’t understand is that just like racism is taught, so is distrust. Especially in Af-Am households where our parents & grandparents who have lived through Jim Crow, Cointelpro, Reaganomics, & the War on Drugs (better titled the War on Inner City Communities) talk to us early & often about how to stay out of trouble.

My grandmother had a “I won’t let the white man get you” speech that would curl your hair. And sure, it’s easy to claim that she was teaching reverse racism or whatever. But the reality is that she was a black woman born in 1924 who lost a brother to lynching, lived through segregation, & who had to get off the sidewalk for white people. I mean literally, get off the sidewalk and walk in the street because white people didn’t think they should have to share the sidewalk with black people. Think about having to do that for years.

My grandfather was less verbose, but one of the reasons he came North was his bad temper & complete inability to stay in his place in Arkansas. He sent money down home when they needed it, & we visited a few times when I was a kid. But a running theme in the conversations during those visits was that he left to keep from bringing trouble down on everyone. How would he have brought trouble home? By not being willing to be called Boy & for looking too many white men in the eye.

These are the people that raised me. And sure I went through my “racism is over”, “no one acts that way any more” phase. Then I got old enough to be outside by myself & I learned quick, fast, & in a hurry that racism is alive and well. But I stuck to the idea that it was isolated for a while longer. Long enough to marry a white man from East Texas & have a child with him. Somewhere around my ex defending his grandmother’s use of the word “Darkie” at our child’s second birthday party I figured out that racism is alive & well and perfectly capable of inhabiting people who claimed to not be racist. He had a black wife, a biracial son, & not a lick of concern about how the word darkie could be upsetting to me. Now we’re divorced & he hasn’t made an effort to see his son in years. Not since the last set of pics made it clear that kiddo can’t pass for white.

So, when progressives stand up & insist that race has nothing to do with anything because it’s a social construct, like a lot of Af-Am people my life experiences already have me side eying them. And then when you factor in coded language like “You people need to get off your couches and help us fight”, ” “Bringing up race is divisive”, or “Arrest the crack dealers & leave the protestors alone” I know it’s time to step back. Because race impacts our lives every day & in every way. From educational access to medical care to jobs to housing, our race is always a factor. It’s not just the history that we were taught by our parents & grandparents. It affects us in the here & now, and until it is addressed it will continue affecting everyone.

A War on Poverty, that is a class war, but that isn’t a War on Racism isn’t going to draw too many Af-Am folks out of the places they’ve already built to allow them to weather the storms that are inevitable in a racist society. We’ve learned from slavery, Jim Crow, Tulsa, Rosewood, the Red Summer of 1919, the Watts riots, the Civil Rights Movement, & America’s belief in the lie of the Welfare Queen that we cannot trust in people who are not explicitly anti-racist. That when we fight for our rights, we are fighting for our lives & the lives of those we love in communities that have always been the first to be attacked. So to be called to fight for the health of communities that have benefited from that history of oppression? Not a call that matters overmuch to us. Solidarity can never be a one way street, & until there is some recognition that fighting racism is fighting capitalism, I don’t see any hope of it developing between African American communities & the Occupy Movement.

Current Mood: busy

I’ve seen a lot of posts talking about OWS, police brutality, race, gender, & intersectionality. Many of those posts include links to the famous stories of police brutality. And those stories are important & should be told. But, by only talking about those stories I worry that we’re giving the impression that police brutality is relatively rare in communities of color. I’ve posted in the past about the cop who called me a nigger when I was 12 & the time my (then) 13 year old husband was beaten up by a cop. But, those weren’t our only run ins with abusive police officers. Experience has taught me to worry about the cops. I think of them as a risk to navigate more than I think of them as people who are here to protect me or my family. My husband & I have already had the talks with our oldest son about how to act when he’s stopped by the cops. Notice I said when he’s stopped.

That’s because I have been stopped while doing everything from taking a walk to grocery shopping to helping someone move. My father in law runs a Medicar service that primarily caters to the elderly who need help getting from their homes to doctor’s appointments. My husband used to ride along to help him out, since it’s a family business. One day they were stopped by the police because some cop decided a white van leaving a hospital on the West Side of Chicago fit the description of a tan truck that had been involved in a robbery in the Loop. They forced them out of the vehicle at gunpoint while a bunch of elderly people watched & worried. When it became clear that they didn’t fit the description? The cops told them they were free to go and left. That’s it. No apology, no consideration for all the people in the vehicle, but then everyone involved was a POC.

Matter of fact, let me tell you about Kourtney Wilson. I’ve known her since she was a teenager. She’s a nice young lady who unfortunately has lupus. Two years ago she had a seizure, her roommate dialed 911 & when the paramedics came (despite being told about her health status), they manhandled her & had the police arrest her. As if that wasn’t bad enough they took her all over the place (two different precinct houses & two different hospitals) so that she was denied medical treatment for 9 hours. Think about that for a second. NINE HOURS after she had the seizure she finally got the help she needed. And that’s a case that only made the local news & the blogosphere before vanishing into the Wayback machine to be dug up by people like me with a reason to know her name. Imagine being afraid to call an ambulance when someone you love needs one because they could be arrested for being sick. Imagine being killed in your own home like Kathryn Johnston or Aiyana Jones. Imagine being harassed or having a gun pulled on you just because you’re going about your day while being of color.

We don’t have to be at a protest, or actually fit the description of a suspect to have a negative interaction with the police. Officers like John Burge have tortured POC into confessing to crimes they didn’t commit & gotten away with it for decades. We know the police cannot be trusted. So, to see the police using pepper spray on protestors, or going out dressed in riot gear to evict them from encampments? Not at all a shock. I know some will say “Well now we know, & we’re trying to fix it for everyone” but you’ll pardon me if I don’t buy that the changes OWS is fighting for will extend to POC. Not when every time someone brings up race and OWS there is invariably a “It’s not about race, it’s about class. Why are you being divisive?” response from multiple people. POC of every class have to be concerned with the possibility of police brutality, & until OWS addresses that reality, how can it represent the entire 99%?

Current Mood: awake

My friends have gotten their movie funded, but of course they could use more money to make their shoestring budget a little stronger, so please donate if you can. Meanwhile I'm hunkering down in my house because it is cold & windy & I'd rather not be outside. We're getting new high speed internet today (the guy is running the line right now!), so what should I be watching? I plan to be a hermit all weekend & have cocoa & cake & pie & snacks with no time spent facing the wind.

Current Mood: awake

Just watched last night’s Sons of Anarchy. I need an adult, a drink, & a hug. There are two eps left & I am not equipped for the wait or the episodes. Eeek!

Current Mood: anxious

So, I’m picking the boys up from school today & I had to yell for kid #1 to hear me across the playground. No big deal, he was wandering around looking for us anyway & definitely something that happens often. As he’s walking to meet me some random kid (who might be in the 3rd grade max) starts imitating me, clearly mocking my voice. Again, not a big deal and I ignore it. Right up until the word bitch came out of his mouth. Y’all, ancestors I didn’t even know I had came through my body to snatch his little butt up & drag him back to the principal. He’s trying to tell me he didn’t know I was an adult & I’m like “Boy, you don’t get to talk any more. Silence is definitely what I need from you.” One of the other parents recognized him & was like “Hold on, I just saw his dad.” And then the kid started apologizing as fast as he could, but it was too late. His father was already on the move & I couldn’t even pretend I wasn’t pissed off. People, get your children before they say bitch to the wrong one.

Current Mood: awake

Been busy lately getting ready for school in January & helping friends with fund raising for their short film. I'm really excited about it, because they are the anti-Tyler Perry especially when it comes to depictions of black women. Layered nuanced characters bring me great joy, what can I say? How goes it in your world?

Current Mood: awake

Still alive. Have been writing & doing other fun fun things including hanging out with the BFF & eating new things like garlicky macaroni & cheese. I did not expect to like it, but it was really quite tasty. The family is fine & kid #2 is responding well to his new school set up. More talking there & even some displays of his inner ham. Kid #1 is well into preteen & you should all cross your fingers for me & him & our ability to survive puberty together. I am using Tumblr & Twitter a lot, so I seem to still be less than bloggy, but more than silent. After all these years, I may just be done with blogging daily, but I don't know if it's that or if this journal just no longer feels like a safe space for me. Plus, it seems like most of the people I interacted with regularly here have migrated to one or both of those platforms too, so I'm having daily interactions with folks anyway. Those of you that aren't there or G+, are you really still here & just quieter than I remember? Is LJ's latest security fail a death knell for this interface? DW has never really gotten the same kind of base that LJ had & now they're both incredibly quiet to me.

Current Mood: awake

Thanks to the anon for my Dreamwidth time. Much appreciated. Sorry I haven't been here as much. I've been reading more than speaking, but I should have more time now. Kid #2's IEP is mostly correct now. Finally. I had to be a bully some more at the meeting & I may have threatened folks with wrath & lawyers & federal involvement. But it is finally something like right. I got home, cried, & now I'm going to sit with myself for a while. Because I had to be this complete & total manipulative bullying asshole every day for months to get him what he needed. And I don't know how people who don't have some serious morality loopholes succeed against this system. It was not enough to be educated or professional or polite. I had to be able to be all of those things while being aggressive & quietly malicious because that is how you straddle the line between "I am a concerned parent" & "You want none of this motherfucker" so that they have to comply. I know that I got what he needed because they didn't want to see me again. I am not feeling any remorse, but I am horrified. Because if going to war is what it takes then what happens to the kids with no troops?

Current Mood: exhausted

Had one of those days with kid #2's school where I'm not sure I'm doing him any favors by fighting for this IEP. To be honest, despite our concerns about his social development, I'm not sure he belongs in a classroom setting at all. One on one it's clear that he's starting to read. In a group larger than 4 or 5 people? He's silent. Hell, if it's the wrong 4 or 5 people he's silent. He hates writing things down, but he'll type them with no problem. I'm seriously considering an online education program & joining some homeschooling groups & setting up some activities until we can figure out a better plan than the current one of fighting with CPS for things that don't suit his needs. Spent 30 minutes today being told he doesn't belong in general ed or special ed. He's too high functioning for any of the special ed programs, & doesn't work in groups well so gen ed classrooms will be a struggle. I might could catch a case behind how I wanted to respond, so I opted to come away before I turned the janitor's closet into my weapons locker.

Current Mood: aggravated

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karnythia

January 2012

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An Open Letter From A Black Woman

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Parenting While Black & Not Racist Racism

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